Monday, September 3, 2012

IKEA

On Saturday I had a truly lovely day. My brother drove from Nottingham to visit us, arriving early. We went cycling. Lovely. We came back and had a barbecue. Lovely. Some friends came over for chat, some Paralympic watching and drinks. LOVELY.

Yes, Saturday was a day to savour.

I know how the world works. Cruel bastard that it is, the world ensures you pay for your lovely day with one not so lovely. It must be excruciating. It must make you question your continued existence. It must, therefore, include a visit to IKEA.

The last time we went to IKEA was the day before Cam was born. This time we were hoping we'd just come back with a highchair. Plus the obligatory tea lights.

When you drive to IKEA there is always a traffic jam. This is because everybody else is going to IKEA. Everybody else is always going to IKEA, because they put crack cocaine in the meatballs so that you feel strangely compelled to return, even though the meatballs aren't very nice. The chips are soggy and the cola tastes like it was made by carbonating some toilet water and adding some non-specific brown from somewhere. Possibly the same toilet.

Because there's always a traffic jam, there's a sense of triumph just in arriving at IKEA. It's nice, because it masks the fact that IKEA is full of EVERYONE IN THE WORLD, all clammering after tea lights.

Everything in IKEA has a ridiculous name. Ostensibly this is because IKEA is Swedish, and apparently everything in Sweden is given a hilarious moniker. Maybe they just have a good sense of humour. 

Would you like a kitchen utensil called BIIG KOK? IKEA can help you out. A beanbag named LAJ TITZ? No problem. 

We bought some bibs for when we start to wean Cam. They are actually called KLADD PRICKAR. I haven't made that up. Their name suggests that they are an item in which you would clad a prick. Most people call that a condom.

The bibs weren't the main event though, the ANTILOP (what?) highchair was. Everyone buys their highchair from IKEA. It's cheap, functional, has the look of a bakelite telephone from the 80s. It's the one thing that made our trip to IKEA worthwhile.

That and the 50p hotdog.

15 comments:

  1. I love their kitchen section. We actually bought our kitchen cupboards, sink, countertop from them, hubby & SIL installed everything and it looks wonderful. It did have a weird name though.

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    1. Some of their products are nice, I can't deny it. Cheap too, if not particularly long lasting.

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  2. Haha.. love it.. I do like a trip to IKEA.. it is very child friendly, but without doubt, also a little maddening!

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    1. Yes, we made use of their changing facilities, which were exemplary :-)

      Unusually, we didn't get totally lost!

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  3. Haven't been to ikea in years and now you mention I could do with some tea lights!

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    1. You haven't run out have you? Must not have stocked up with enough last time ;-)

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  4. I like the Antilop - it sounds (and looks) like some sort of sci-fi robot gazelle ready to spring into sentience and start running round the kitchen.

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    1. Now you mention it, yes, it wouldn't have been out of place in the film Moon.

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  5. I like the IDEA of Ikea, but fortunately our nearest one is over 2 hours away, so we've only been once. I still have the tea lights and that was five years ago.

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    1. It just isn't as good as a lot of people seem to think. It's not bad (with the exception of getting there, and walking around it) but it's not great.

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  6. Mmmm .... Hot dog ;p

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    1. Yeah, except they're RUBBISH now, they don't even do the large ones anymore :-(

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  7. That is the best highchair in the world. I bought a lovely looking wooden one with my eldest - but it took 20 minutes after each meal to clean. Thats a whole hour a day cleaning a highchair. I soon replaced it with Antilop which takes about 20 seconds to clean

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    1. Everyone we know with a baby has one, and for £16 it can be total shite and I won't mind!

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  8. HaHa Love it!! Iv never noticed the funny names before but next time i go i will definitley look! Last time i went i came home with a wok, i wonder now what silly name that would of had!! x

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