Friday, March 22, 2013


Lunch breaks are an oasis of calm and time to myself during the working week. Some people don't take lunch breaks, preferring to work through and reach the end of the day a little quicker, but I don't. I need a lunch break (as, incidentally, do most of the people who "work" through theirs. I have often wished I had the sort of temperament which would allow me to shout "look, you festering arsehole, just because you haven't left your desk, doesn't mean you're not having a lunch break. You're not working, you're wiping the juices from your sandwich from your chin while catching up on whatever bilge the Daily Mail website has on offer today. Prick."), and I take one.

Unfortunately, lunch breaks don't always pass by in the calm and recreational manner I prefer. Sometimes they include things which leave me prickling with rage. Today was one such day. The reason? Shopping trolleys.

Shopping trolleys bring out the worst in people. Dutifully, they provide transport for our supermarket purchases, accompanying us down the aisles as we select the various foodstuffs which will sustain us for the coming days. Rarely do they complain; the occasional shake of a wheel in protest at their life of servitude, little more.

Such a loyal piece of equipment, you would think, ought to draw some respect in return? No. The car parks of the land are awash with discarded trolleys, their contents transferred to the boots of Fords, BMWs and Volkswagens and their naked, wiry frames left stranded.

I will say this just the once: if you are the sort of person who leaves a trolley in the middle of the car park and drives off I think you are a total, utter, absolute fuckbean of a wankstain.

This simple action, to me, says so much about who you are: you don't care about anyone but yourself, you are immeasurably lazy, you have no thought for the property of others, you may well have a shady sideline in tearing limbs off kittens for fun.

The trolley park is over there! *points* It is not far! Never more than thirty metres I would guess. How long would it take you to get there and back? Are you so busy and important that you can't afford that time? No. You are not.

What's that? It's raining? Boo-fucking-hoo. You poor, poor bastard. Are you the Wicked Witch of the West? No. You are not. In fact, you're already wet, so just go and put the trolley away.

Today, I saw a man about the same age as me (which is to say: not a member of the unfathomable youth) run a few metres with his trolley to gain speed before letting go of it and watching it speed away across the tarmac. He hadn't even pushed it in the direction of a trolley park. It very nearly made it as far as a parked car. Not that he'd have known, since he was in his car and away by then.

I would have liked to ask him this question: what would be your reaction if, upon returning to your car, a trolley had been pushed away and put a nice, big dent in your driver side door? You would want somebody's blood, I am sure of it.

But this behaviour does not stand alone. It is just one example of a vast array of twattery which occurs daily. Another example: people who use the last teabag in the caddy at work and don't refill it. WHY THE FUCK NOT? There are literally hundreds of these things, seemingly small, which simply serve to make me think that we are moving toward a society where we all just don't give a solitary shit about one another.

I try to live by a simple maxim: don't be a dick.

Sometimes I get it wrong, but it usually means I don't do things like leaving a trolley in a car park, or not replenishing the tea bags.

Life is far nicer if you're nice to other people. Be a citizen. Don't be an über-selfish muppet.

Am I overreacting? What are the tiny bugbears which will you with despair? Should I just stop giving a fuck and join in?


  1. The one that gets my back up is folk who get a new toilet roll at work and sit it on top of the empty roll, rather than changing it. Really? Is it so hard to swap them over and pop the empty roll in the bin?

    I will admit to occasionally not putting my trolley back, but only at one supermarket, and only because there isn't a trolley park anywhere near the parent and child spaces. Exceptions prove the rule though, right? (Whatever that means)

  2. THANK YOU! My good God I'm glad it's not just me.

    My bugbear is very much a work one. I'm in IT. We fix things when we find out about them - replace printer cartridges, that sort of thing. Usually once a week we get a "Oh that? No, that's not worked for ages." When were you going to tell me about it? Am I expected to psychically know it's broken? I do not use this kit, it is not in my office, I don't look at it every day. And if it's been broken for that long, I'm going to take it away and "fix" it by chucking it in the nearest skip.

    Oh, and "Exceptions prove the rule"? That's using "prove" in it's old meaning of "test".

  3. Oh I feel your pain!!
    I'll even go one further and say I get annoyed with the people who get a trolley as far as the trolley park but just throw it in haphazardly so I have to sort them all out to get my pound out!!
    And I got annoyed with only finding one tea bag left in the caddy at work last week. We all make rounds. We all need more than one tea bag at a time!!

  4. I completely agree with this, even with small children in my van I will return the trolley before I live (sometimes picking up elderly lady's trolleys as I pass - whether they like it or not). It takes a few seconds. It is about consideration for others.

    Oh, and your swearing in the middle made me laugh!

  5. Excellent swearing sir, most impressive.

    I hate trolley dodgers - I also hate having to put a pound in the trolleys.

    I hate old ladies with trolleys - they use them as some kind of weapon to shove me by the ankle so they can get to the cottage cheese.

    I hate people who leave the loos without washing their hands - it's like I can SEE their piss germs in neon on EVERY SURFACE after that and I start throwing alcohol gel around with abandon.

    My husband's habit is worse than simply not filling the tea bag jar; he leaves the jar out, with the lid off, and the cupboard open, and just WALKS OFF because he is far too busy and important for such menial tasks.

    He read that over my shoulder, laughed and said "yeah I am". The sod.

  6. Alex Locke

    ha ha,

    When I drop our eldest off at nursery morning there is another mum that usually arrives slightly before us. I know she is there because she leaves every one of the three security gates hanging open. These are the gates that separate the kids from the road, they all have 'please close me' signs on. I'm sure her reasoning is that she is just nipping in but seriously!! Push the gate shut behind you.

    I would get mad and say something but, um, she is really pretty.

  7. That drives me crazy too. I remember one of my best friends saving like crazy to buy herself a Mazda. After a couple of years she got one and some fuckwit in Tescos didn't put his back which then flew along in the wind and caved in the side of her door. I don't think her insurance covered it either. What is EVEN more annoying though is when some parent leaves it in the middle of the only remaining parent and child space.


    P.S I love your grumpy posts the best :) Weirdly they really cheer me up. Is that wrong? It sounds wrong.