Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Many Faces of Faeces

Yes, that's right folks, one week into parenthood and I'm writing a poo post.  

In my defence, at one week old I have a limited choice of topics regarding the baby; sleep (lack of), breastfeeding (difficulty of, tentative overcoming of) and poo (lots of).

If you're reading this you've probably got kids.  You know the score.  The initial period of worry when the baby DOESN'T DO POOING.  Will the baby poo?  When will the baby poo?  What happens if he doesn't? All these questions and more race through the mind of the new parent.  Lucky for me, our little bundle didn't keep us waiting too long to render them all moot. 

"Hooray!" we thought, "the boy can poo!"  This reaction is the start of an alarming process.  The conversion of your brain from an organ of rational thought and reason into one which cares an awful lot about poo.  Colour of poo.  Consistency of poo.  Frequency of poo.

All things poo are on the cognitive agenda.  Not only this, they are on the conversational agenda (please tell me that's not just me, I've been talking to my non-parent friends about poo...)

But, for those who don't know already, baby poo is not the same as adult poo.  Where adult poo can be categorised using the Bristol Stool Scale (another claim to fame for my fair city) baby poo can not.

Baby poo is categorised, at least by our midwife, by comparison with various foodstuffs.  

Initial poos, we were told, should have consistency and appearance of Marmite.  Nice.  Amid the worry of the run up to the first poo, with all the aforementioned questions, now I had the added concern that I may never be able to spread delicious yeast extract on my toast again.  The Horror!

Marmite: Not Made of Poo
I needn't have worried.  I didn't have to deal with the Marmite poos (or, more accurately, Meconium. Thanks Google.) because he did all those at night when still in the hospital, with only Mrs L to clean the tar-like substance from him.  So, obviously, I can still enjoy an umami filled breakfast.

Once the Marmite days pass it's onto stage two poo: Nutella.  No worries about falling out of love with that one, I'm not a big fan of Nutella anyway.  Phew.  Just as well, because I did get to do battle with one or two of these.  You know how sticky Nutella is, yes?  Well.  That.  But smeared on the delicate skin of your beautiful newborn.  Delightful.
We don't have Nutella in our house. Apart from in nappies.
Next up, and our current stage: chicken Korma.  I don't have a photo of chicken Korma, because I don't like it.  Similarly, I don't really like chicken Korma poos.  Though I've never actually tried eating the latter.  It's less sticky than Marmite poo.  Less sticky than Nutella poo.  But what it lacks in sticky it more than makes up for with coverage.

Liquid can't flow uphill.  It's against the laws of physics (and, before anyone starts, capillary action doesn't count).  But guess what?  Korma poo is anti-gravity.  It comes out of the same hole as all the other poo types, but instead of staying in the region of said hole it creeps all the way up the baby's back.

Don't worry, I've told NASA.  I anticipate space suits coated in KormPoo (my trade name, hands off) before the end of the decade.  I'll be retiring off this discovery I reckon.

So, yeah, poo.  Sorry.  Hopefully he'll do something else soon...

37 comments:

  1. Poo post! You think this is bad... give it 6 months and write me a post on poo when you start weaning him ;) Chicken korma will seem like a distant yet fond memory.
    If you're really struggling for topics to post you could just post pictures of his feet and hands for us all to coo and go stupid over- if your other readers are anything like me, we're easily pleased :D

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    1. I'm not really struggling for topics, just wanted to disguise the fact that I'd been looking forward to posting about poo! ;-)

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  2. give it six months and you can get the Bristol Stool Scale back out! Enjoy the Korma while it lasts :p

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  3. yes poo
    you will soon have many conversations with many people about poo
    you will be able to distinguish very very quickly when discussing poo at inappropriate moments those you have babies and those who don't
    you may well have to cut your baby out of baby grows because they can have very explosive poo's that don't just go up the back but somehow cover their entire bodies. these are called poomergencies.

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    1. Poomergencies! Oh my days, these babies are such wrong uns.

      I've already been told I can't just take him outside and hose him down ;-)

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  4. Oh dude , you have way more of the 'creeping up the back' poos to come. Often when you are out somewhere posh and have forgotten to pack spare clothes.
    I got obsessed by W's sleeping, feeding and pooing habits in the first two months and wrote ALL of it down. I literally kept a chart. No kidding. The really awful thing that NOBODY told me until later, so I am telling you now, at some point in those early months your child will STOP POOING. And it will totally freak you out. Especially when you look back at the frequency of poo on your chart!.
    W stopped for 4 days. I sought LOTS of medical advice. Apparently they can not poo for 2 weeks before you have to worry.
    You will thank me for this ridiculously long comment one day...hopefully ;)

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    1. Not a problem, we won't have to go anywhere posh anytime soon. Oh, no, wait, we have SIX more weddings to attend this year, one of which is in St Paul's Cathedral!

      I assume he will save poomageddon for that one.

      I will thank you for your comment now, and bank the information for later on! :-)

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  5. Replies
    1. No. Well. Yes. But not as tired as I could be.

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  6. Wait til you're potty training and they do s nice log on the living room carpet then come running to find you yelling "yay! I did it! I did a poo!". Hahaha.. all the poos you have to come!! ;)

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    1. Lalalala I'm not listening... ;-)

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  7. Great poo post! We've had all those and with twins it's twice as nice! Then there is the pooplosion where easiest thing to do is just stick the boy in the bath cause he managed up his backside up to his neck!! oh and recently we all had gastroenteritis!! Those were some pretty shitty days I can tell you!!

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    1. Yuk, gastro. I will be happy if that can remain a stranger to our home!

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  8. The only thing I found that keeps baby poo where it is supposed to be are washable nappies (I used Motherease). My friends used to say to me "but what about all the extra washing?" but there isn't any extra washing because I wasn't the one washing 5 babygros a day.

    You wait until you see what fun you can have changing the colour of weening poos; peppers make it red, brocolli green, blueberries make it black and raisins come out whole.

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    1. Haha, you make weaning sound like fun! ;-)

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  9. As mummy still on maternity, I don't have much else to talk about with my friends these days other than poo stories....the best are poonamis, pooplosion and projectile poo! All involve undressing me and baby, showering both of us and sometimes the dog and then getting stain remover to the carpet!

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    1. Lol @ showering the dog! I knew there was a sound reason for us not having pets :-)

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

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  10. This post made me smile!

    Beware - my son is 4 now and the poo obsession is still afloat (scuse the pun) but it now takes the form of:

    "Mummy! Come and see the poo I've just done! It's really huge!"

    Lovely. Male pride at such a young age....

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    1. As men, we have to take pride wherever we can ;-)

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  11. What always used to make me smile was the expression on DD's face when she poo'ed. Pure delight. Now I'm off to erase this post from my memory before I'm put off Marmite for life (again). But great post Mr :)

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    1. Ours doesn't do that. We do get nice loud notification of nappy fillage though, which is convenient.

      Enjoy your Marmite ;-)

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  12. This is brilliant. I'm thinking meconium nappies is yet another reason to go homebirth for our next baby. Let Mr Circus Queen (he'll kill me if he hears I call him that) deal with the marmite horror.

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    1. Thank you! "The Marmite Horror" is my new favourite phrase :-)

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  13. I too, like Mrs L, got caught overnight in hospital cleaning up poo after poo after poo. However, the husband got the worst deal, as whilst I was laid on the operating table being sewed up, our delightful (15 days overdue, 10lbs3oz) daughter did 2 poos before she could even be weighed and the midwife got him stuck in. His first ever nappy change. Woo!

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  14. I'd never thought of my food in terms of poo before. They do go a bit OTT on the poop front don't they.

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  15. I recently received a Versatile Blogger Award, which I would like to pass on to you in appreciation of how much I enjoy your blog. http://permanentlyinapickle.wordpress.com/2012/04/17/speechless/
    This this post was the biggie (so to speak);)

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    1. That is very kind of you (and how lovely that this was the post to attract it!) but I have in fact already been awarded the versatile blogger award by the lovely @HPMcQ.

      You have made me realise I only put the badge in the individual post though, not on my homepage. I will rectify this ASAP!

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  16. You know the chicken korma ones I could cope with, what freaks me out is now Matilda is on solid food and essentially eating what we eat her poo looks and smells, well, like mine.
    Oh and talking about poo? It became THE subject when meeting other dads at the pub.

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    1. I'm not looking forward to the point where it becomes essentially adult poo :-(

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  17. dont think I'll ever enjoy nuttella again, hahahaha

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  18. Enjoy the korma poo. The teething poo's will be complete torture!!!
    Until then, there will be many poonamis to enjoy. Make sure you get some vanish to soak the clothes in, it stains like a bitch!
    And beware of lifting babies up by the legs to put on sudocrem, they'll happily decorate their bedroom walls with it given the chance, it's just like squeezing a tube of toothpaste!!
    Hmmm, I'm not sure I've covered it all..... I may be back!! lol

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  19. 11 months and 2 weeks Korma has been replaced by self arming chicken Tika (cold - morning after version). Sunday - The device went off unexpected in the car (dis-arming is never an option). Akin to a super-nova and may still implode and form a blackhole. Clean up still underway and elder sister still in poo-shock. Weston-super-mud transformed into Weston-Super-Poo and reminants still burning through sea front car park. - Baldasacoote

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  20. If I'm not allowed to mention capillary action I will have to point you to superfluidity. Although perhaps it's unlikely that you're keeping babber at 4 degrees above absolute zero. Or should we be calling social services? ;-)

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