Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Hay Fever

Hay fever is horrible. If you get hay fever you know what I mean. If you don’t get hay fever then I envy you. If I had limitless cash I would spend a large chunk of it on hay fever research. My vision is of a world where plants don’t need pollen anymore. It may not be life threatening, but it is unspeakably annoying.

If there is one feature of me that I really hope I haven't passed on to my son it is my allergy to pollen.

Flowers. Pricks.
It wakes me up in the middle of the night. If I must be awake in the middle of the night I want it to be because I’m doing something fun, not because some pollen has snuck inside me and started trying to get jiggy with my nasal membranes.

It makes you sneeze. A LOT. Contrary to the popular myth, I can confirm that sneezing seven times in quick succession does NOT equate to an orgasm. In fact, I can confirm that sneezing fourteen times in quick succession doesn’t either.

It makes me look like I am infected with the RAGE virus from 28 Days Later, so red and angry are my eyes.

It makes the roof of your mouth itch. There is no satisfactory way to scratch the roof of your mouth without employing sandpaper.

Right now, even my ears are starting to itch, and I only took an antihistamine an hour ago.

I have suffered with hay fever since I was eighteen years old, so I know a thing or two about it at this point. I’m nothing if not a generous and caring soul, so I am going to share with you my tips for hay fever sufferers:

  1. Stay inside and cry – this is a good starter, because if you have hay fever you will be crying anyway. All you have to do is stay inside. Like a leper. If you’ve ever looked at real sources of advice for hay fever, they actually say to stay inside. HAY FEVER COMES IN SUMMER, THE ONLY TIME ANYONE IN THIS COUNTRY WANTS TO GO OUTSIDE.
  1. Get quite drunk, quite often – antihistamines don’t work all that well, and neither does this. But, antihistamines don’t get you drunk. Getting drunk DOES get you drunk, which means you won’t mind so much about all the sneezing, crying and rage eyes, because you’ll be too busy dancing to Bob Marley songs in your living room (on your own, because everyone else is outside enjoying the summer)
  1. Moan – moaning about hay fever is good for hay fever sufferers, because if you moan about it you can share a little bit of your misery with everyone else. It’s best if you can moan online somehow, possibly in a blog post, for maximum sharing of the moan. This also means you won’t need to go outdoors, contravening point 1.
Are you among the one in three people who suffer with hay fever? Do you have any top tips for dealing with it? If I start an indoor hay fever club with booze and snacks will you join me there if I promise not to moan at you?

*sneezes repeatedly*

*blows nose*

*rubs eyes*

*scratches roof of mouth with tongue*

*sobs*

14 comments:

  1. Anoop Singh-BestMay 23, 2012 at 4:40 PM

    *puts hand up* Fellow sufferer here. Do sympathise as had since 18 too. Have a couple of practical tips though.
    Tumble dry clothes, or at least 5 mins in drier after line drying. Bad for elec bill but good for eyes.
    Wash hands and face often, especially if been outside.
    Wear sunglasses even in the evening. Might look daft but it works.
    And finally a little vaseline just under your nose to catch pollen. Looks like a slug walked across your face but hey, needs must.....

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    Replies
    1. Some far more sensible suggestions there, thank you :-)

      We dry all our clothes in our conservatory anyway, would that mean there's no benefit to tumble drying them?

      Delete
  2. I suffer sometimes. SOMETIMES. Some years I get it, others I do not. So I can't even farking PREPARE. It sneaks up on me, the bastard. I had it when I was preggo and couldn't take any anti-histamines, which sucked huge greasy balls. Last year: nothing. Betcha I'll get it this year.

    Stay indoors. I'll join you. Hay fever is a bastard.

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    Replies
    1. Intermittent hayfever, even more awkward.

      Bring biscuits.

      Delete
  3. Have you tried containing yourself within a cellophane bubble from May to Sept. preventing pesky giant pollen chasing you (like in the advert). An obvious solution really.

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    1. That's quite the pragmatic approach you're suggesting, I may look into purchasing one of those "zorb" things.

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  4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFs261AKUZc

    Feeling your pain...

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  5. I am with you dude. Never fear, come June 30th we can be inside somewhere, rage-eyed, drunk and dancing to Bob Marley with motherventing and co. Whoop.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whoop indeed!

      On the 30th we shall collectively defy the bastard pollen and have the fun. Looking forward to it :-)

      Delete
  6. Hottest day of the year so far here in jolly old England and my eyes and nose are dripping like taps, hayfever season has arrived ;(

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    1. You sound upset, have you accidentally allowed yourself to sober up? ;-)

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  7. My mum swears by local honey; she has a teaspoon a day. Because it is local, it has pollen in it that affects her and by having a low dose of it daily, her body gets used to the pollen.

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    Replies
    1. Now, this is interesting, I've heard it before and did try it one year. Unfortunately, there are few things in life more expensive than anti-histamines. One of those few things seems to be local honey...

      If I win the lottery, I'll give it another crack, thanks :-)

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