Hay fever is horrible. If you get hay fever you know what I mean. If you don’t get hay fever then I envy you. If I had limitless cash I would spend a large chunk of it on hay fever research. My vision is of a world where plants don’t need pollen anymore. It may not be life threatening, but it is unspeakably annoying.
If there is one feature of me that I really hope I haven't passed on to my son it is my allergy to pollen.
It wakes me up in the middle of the night. If I must be awake in the middle of the night I want it to be because I’m doing something fun, not because some pollen has snuck inside me and started trying to get jiggy with my nasal membranes.
It makes you sneeze. A
LOT. Contrary to the popular myth, I can confirm that sneezing seven times in quick succession does NOT equate to an orgasm. In fact, I can confirm that sneezing fourteen times in quick succession doesn’t either.
It makes me look like I am infected with the RAGE virus from 28 Days Later, so red and angry are my eyes.
It makes the roof of your mouth itch. There is no satisfactory way to scratch the roof of your mouth without employing sandpaper.
Right now, even my ears are starting to itch, and I only took an antihistamine an hour ago.
I have suffered with hay fever since I was eighteen years old, so I know a thing or two about it at this point. I’m nothing if not a generous and caring soul, so I am going to share with you my tips for hay fever sufferers:
- Stay inside and cry – this is a good starter, because if you have hay fever you will be crying anyway. All you have to do is stay inside. Like a leper. If you’ve ever looked at real sources of advice for hay fever, they actually say to stay inside. HAY FEVER COMES IN SUMMER, THE ONLY TIME ANYONE IN THIS COUNTRY WANTS TO GO OUTSIDE.
- Get quite drunk, quite often – antihistamines don’t work all that well, and neither does this. But, antihistamines don’t get you drunk. Getting drunk DOES get you drunk, which means you won’t mind so much about all the sneezing, crying and rage eyes, because you’ll be too busy dancing to Bob Marley songs in your living room (on your own, because everyone else is outside enjoying the summer)
- Moan – moaning about hay fever is good for hay fever sufferers, because if you moan about it you can share a little bit of your misery with everyone else. It’s best if you can moan online somehow, possibly in a blog post, for maximum sharing of the moan. This also means you won’t need to go outdoors, contravening point 1.
Are you among the one in three people who suffer with hay fever? Do you have any top tips for dealing with it? If I start an indoor hay fever club with booze and snacks will you join me there if I promise not to moan at you?
*scratches roof of mouth with tongue*