Monday, May 21, 2012

Wobble

It was the weekend yesterday. I know this to be true, because I was not at work, longing to be elsewhere. Since The Creature graced the world with his appearance I have looked forward to the weekend immensely. When the weekends have arrived, I have enjoyed them.

Yesterday was still a weekend, but it was different. I wasn’t enjoying it.

I was tired. But that’s fine. I’m always tired now, just as every other parent is always tired. Tired is fine.

The Creature was grumpy. That’s fine too. He usually is.

We had been through the usual stuff we try to calm him down without going walking. None of it worked. So on went the wrap and in went the baby. The screaming, rigid, beetroot-faced-with-incandescent-rage baby.

Ten minutes of artificially bouncy walking and he’s settled. Woo.

Ten more minutes and The Creature has filled his nappy. So forcefully on this occasion that he’s woken himself up.

Surprisingly, even at such a tender age, he has worked out that he DOES NOT LIKE being sat in his own excreta, with two layers of clothes on top, then a further layer of clingy wrap to exert a bit more pressure on it.

He is screaming in his most persistent tone.

I don’t have any of the necessary gubbins with me to change him, because I am stupid.

I consider finding a puddle, cleaning him in it, then fashioning some kind of impromptu nappy solution from the wrap. I remember I’m not very good at knots and abandon the idea. There are no puddles anyway, because of the amazing drought we’ve been having.

The Creature is not the only one who is unhappy about his outfit. I have been fooled by the weather and am wearing jeans, but it is hot. I should be wearing shorts.

Ideally, I shouldn’t be wearing an eleven pound baby shaped radiator either.

I continue walking until I reach his grandparents’, my parents-in-law’s, house, where I was heading anyway to rendezvous with Mrs L for a quiet and relaxing Sunday lunch.

Thankfully they are not idiots and have all the changing gubbins ready to go within moments. Clean bummed equilibrium is restored, lunch is eaten, The Creature does his best impression of a quiet lovely baby for some relatives who are visiting and we go home.

He spends the remainder of the afternoon crying. Neither me nor Mrs L can settle him and eventually I find myself lying on our bed with him next to me.

That’s when Mrs L enters the room. She looks sad. I ask her what’s wrong and she says this:

“I’m worrying. I’m worrying about him. But I’m also worrying about you, you seem like it’s getting to you.”

She was right. It was just one day, and today I’m okay again. Recharged by a good night’s sleep. But I really felt it yesterday. Felt like it was hard. Felt like I needed to walk away and have an hour where I was on my own.

And that felt shit.

PS: Wow this sounds whingy and needy. I'm not looking for sympathy, and there's no need for any concern, it's just a bit of a vent.

28 comments:

  1. Honest post, and one I know will get people going 'Yep. I hear ya.' Mums and dads.
    Parenting is tiring and tough, and - guess what? It's okay to have moments when you think "Grrrrrrrrrr." He's still new and you're still learning about each other. They don't come with FAQ's - they're the things you have to work out and that takes time. You'll get there.
    Its how you deal with it all that counts, and from where I'm standing you're all dealing with the new brilliantly. Don't beat yourself up. Please.

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    1. Cheers dude, I'm feeling a lot more positive now, and it was a Good Thing to write it down.

      Thanks for reading the wafflings.

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  2. Shitty weekend involving shit and a hard to settle baby, not fun. I hate that it feels like you should always enjoy the weekends like it's a law and then you feel like you're failing if you don't enjoy every second. Get an hour to yourself somehow between now and next weekend and you'll be recharged and ready for more shit :)

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    1. Next weekend it's my brother's wedding, so a whole family to pass him around while I sneak off to the bar ;-)

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  3. I didn't think you sounded whiny, I think you sounded like someone who wanted to get it off your chest.

    You will get days like this, and take it from someone who's kids are adults now, you may even get months like it ( sorry to be the bearer if bad news) but being aware if it is half the battle. Kids at the beginning are hard work, it's all new, you've no idea what you're doing. But have faith in yourself that you will find your rhythm, faith it will become easier, and faith you'll get used to 2 hours sleep and still function!

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    1. Thanks, that's exactly what it was, and it felt great to do so.

      Cheers for reading :-)

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  4. Feeling your ":(" Happens to me a lot too.

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    1. We are not alone it seems *whistles x-files theme tune*

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  5. Vent away! You are not alone. We feel it from time to time where we just want time out to switch off completely and then promptly feel guilty as it feels like we've failed in some small way. There are always moments where it gets too much and lack of sleep definitely makes it much worse. We soon forget these moments though and remember all the things they do that make us love them more and more everyday. *hugs*

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    1. Thanks. You're right, he's already won us back over today (well, me anyway, I don't presume to speak for Mrs L!)

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  6. What you just described almost EXACTLY the first 3 to 4 months of our daughters life was. My partner and I were exhausted, panicky, felt guilty for being unable to help our baby and guilty for wanting a break from her. Nothing helped. We hit about the 3.5 month stage and things started to improve very gradually. Now in month 5 she is smiley and happy, a very different baby. I wrote a post about it on my blog, called coping with crying. It isn't a solution but just things I'd tell myself to make it through the day and keep sane. You'll get there. It does get better, I never believed it, but it absolutely has. Stay strong and do take a break when you can,don't feel guilty about it. You are doing your best, I think you should be very proud. Babies are hard work, crying babies are harder work. Take care, I hope it gets easier for you soon.

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    1. It's always comforting to hear that it was the same for others and it usually goes away! At the time it can be hard to remember that he's not the only child ever to have screamed like this. Perspective is helpful!

      Thanks for reading.

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    2. actually mrs l here, sorry lewis. just read your blog post and wanted to say thanks, as having a particularly bad day today. x

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  7. All of the above really, it can be very difficult at times. On the bright side a bit further down the line and you'll only remember all the fun bits, it gets easier.

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    1. I must admit, I'm somewhat looking forward to the selective memory I'm going to have in a while!

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  8. I love this post, I can't speak for everyone but I know for sure I have felt like this on more than one occasion with both children. Hoorah for honesty!

    P.S I am also stupid and have been punished many times. Poo explosions, hungry screams, cold foot due to lost sock... Everytime this happens I break out in a sweat. I'm still alive (barely) and so are they.

    We aren't perfect, we're parents.

    x

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    1. Glad you liked it, I feel better for having written it :-)

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  9. Never leave the house without a nappy/wipes/change of clothes/sandblaster. Otherwise, you're doing a grand job, boyo.

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    1. I'm buying a portable pressure washer tomorrow. I will cherish it as a celeb cherishes their handbag dog.

      Ta for reading :-)

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  10. This is exactly how my husband felt in the early days. In fact, he really suffered and visibly withdrew at first. So hats off to you that you've made it this long without having an off day. You're doing a great job. You all are.

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    1. Thanks, it's comforting to know it isn't just me!

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

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  11. Don't give yourself a hard time for feeling like this. But don't listen when some say it gets harder as they get older either. Someone said that to me and I was horrified! It doesn't get harder it just gets different! The good days always outweigh the bad!
    Keep blogging about it though as it always helps to get it off your chest.

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    1. I intend to keep blogging, it's been very useful to me so far!

      Thanks for reading, whoever you may be :-)

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  12. Vent away Mr, we all feel like this sometimes. Don't beat yourself up about it. OH struggled at the beginning too. Heck, we both did. DD cried all night for what seemed like a century but was probably only a few weeks. Qudos to you for being so involved.

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  13. Mate, everyone has said it already and everyone means it. We have ALL been there. Don't beat yourself up about it, don't be hard on yourself. In fact, everyone still IS there some days - good days and bad ones.
    x

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  14. Anoop Singh-BestMay 22, 2012 at 11:05 AM

    We all have those days. They come now and again but they also go away again and it's important to remember that. Lovely that Mrs L recognized it too.
    Stay positive :-)

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  15. two things you need to know. 1) it's normal to feel like this sometimes, 2) it never stops - sometimes even now that DD is glowing example of beauty, kindness and gorgeous young teen, i still want to get away from her or even kill her. Luckily these moments pass, the love floods back and we move along....because (as you know) children are amazing :-)

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  16. Those days are tough when you just want to scream at your baby "WHAT DO YOU WANT" that's when teamwork with your partner becomes so important to give each other a break. Glad you got through it, no top tip exists to make it any easier though I'm afraid

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