Monday, July 2, 2012

Cloaking Devices

Do any of you watch Star Trek?

In Star Trek, some of the spaceships have a thing called a cloaking device. For those of you who don’t watch Star Trek, a cloaking device somehow renders the gigantic spaceship invisible. This is useful for sneaking up on other spaceships and then surprising them with lasers and whatnot.

I don’t think the Starship Enterprise has a cloaking device. Kirk and Co would never resort to such dastardly tactics as being invisible.

Despite any possible reservations one may have regarding the use of invisibility, there’s no arguing about the fact that it is impressive on a technological level.

What’s even more impressive is some clever souls have obviously started using cloaking devices on their cars.

Yes, this is an example of science fiction being an accurate predictor of real life technology. Other examples include the internet, the mobile phone and Spam (which was clearly modelled on Soylent Green).

Anyway, here’s how to get a cloaking device on your car:

  1. Buy a car which is either silver or grey. Preferably it is also an Audi, BMW or Mercedes.
  2. Wait for a time when it is raining really hard. If you live in England in 2012 I can highly recommend WHENEVER.
  3. Go out in the car and find a road with lots of spray. For best results this is usually a motorway.
  4. This one’s important: DO NOT USE YOUR LIGHTS.
Hey presto! Your car is now invisible!

Now, get yourself in the outside lane and engage warp drive. Don’t worry, no Police can see you, you’re cloaked, remember?

Outside lane a bit too flighty for you? Then consider this: you can spend your whole journey in the middle lane! The magic of the middle lane is that you’re never in anyone’s way! Not at all! Especially in your INVISIBLE car.

The Highway Code doesn’t specifically preclude the use of cloaking devices, but it does say that you MUST use your headlights in periods of reduced visibility. Like heavy rain.

I’ve always found it disturbing to see people barrelling along the motorway in the rain, with no lights on, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they are nearly invisible to all around them. I find it massively more disturbing now that I sometimes have Cam in the car with me.

I don’t want to have a crash because some people aren’t capable of recognising the dangers of behaving like a Klingon. I don’t want me, or my son, or anyone else (even a Klingon) to be rendered dead or horribly squished just because they can’t be arsed flicking their lights on.

I’m fairly certain that none of my beautiful, intelligent, sexy beyond compare readership are driving in the rain without their lights turned on. But, just in case any of those who are happen across my blog via some bizarre Google search:

IF IT IS RAINING REALLY HARD AND YOU ARE DRIVING YOUR CAR, TURN THE FUCKING HEADLIGHTS ON AND STOP BEING A TOTAL PRICK.

Thanks.

12 comments:

  1. Very well said and if I may just add one other ability of the cloaking device you have mentioned, which is that it also renders you completely invisible to HGV drivers mirrors, although when you are wedged under a 40 tonne Tesco lorry the cloak may no longer work.

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    1. Eep. Don't like the idea of being wedged under a Tesco lorry *shudders*

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    2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yd_oi3n2PwU you might not like the idea but it HAS happened! (see the yooutube link i just posted here!!)

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  2. Couldn't agree more.

    I blame the Romulans though.

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    1. I thought I'd made a horrible geek faux pas then, but I've checked and the Klingons do use them!

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  3. I completely agree! By the way, this post is hilarious. As always!

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    1. Thank you, that's very kind of you to say! :-)

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  4. I really just wanted a 'Like' Button for this post - will have to comment instead.

    LIKE

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  5. Glad we are of the same opinion. Eejits aren't they? I will not be buying any car type you have mentioned as I find it very disturbing to think that they spend all this money on said car only for the lights to malfunction on such a regular basis. I have many a time muttered about how if anyone hit my car with our son in the back how I will brandish the tyre iron and inflict damage/pain or something similar!

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