Thursday, May 31, 2012

Tits

Somewhat inevitable this, I suppose. A post about boobs is surely high upon the checklist of “must writes” for any parenting blog.

Well, here’s mine. I’m not sure if it’s really about boobs at all, but it seemed a shame to miss the opportunity to have that as a title.

What it definitely IS about, is breastfeeding. Even more accurately, it’s about stopping breast feeding, something my son did nearly two weeks ago.

He’s a bottle baby now, and he seems to be loving it.

Tricky topic, breastfeeding, I feel like I probably need to tread carefully (especially as a man…)

I’ll start by saying this: both me and Mrs L considered breastfeeding a Good Thing. We would have loved Cam to continue exclusively with breast milk for the six months that the government suggests. But it didn’t work out that way.

Right from the start, every feed was a battle. Mrs L had support from midwives in the hospital (more on that further on), support from the midwife at home (who was truly fantastic and a credit to the profession), support from the health visitor, support from relatives, support from other mums, support from people on my Twitter timeline, support from websites, from books, from left, right and centre. None of it made much difference.

Almost every feed I watched was an ordeal. Mrs L trying different positions, different techniques, different pieces of equipment designed to help.

By the time she made the final decision to call time at the milk bar, Mrs L’s nipples were cracked and sore. Two weeks on and they’ve not yet fully recovered. She was tired, she was wracked with guilt at the prospect of turning to the bottle. I shared that guilt, but I’m no fool, I know the majority of the burden was with Mrs L.

Physical aspects aside, I have some thoughts on breastfeeding which may not be all that popular. So, I’ll don my flameproof suit and continue.

We were told throughout the pregnancy that breast is best. I agree with this statement. What I’m not so keen on is the implication that formula is bad. It’s unspoken, but the persistent promotion of breast feeding by NHS staff, though well intentioned, breeds a feeling of inferiority in people who can not breastfeed. I don’t think that’s fair.

If a mum is feeling stressed out, losing confidence in her parenting ability and being caused a lot of physical pain by breastfeeding, she needs to be able to stop it without feeling like a failure. I don’t know how that can be done without weakening the breastfeeding message. Tricky.

But by far my biggest gripe with the whole breastfeeding thing is this: everyone tells you something different.

Mrs L was visited in hospital by at least four different midwives. All were supportive, helpful, friendly. All had COMPLETELY different advice on how to breastfeed.

This, frankly, is fucking stupid.

The advice given needs to be consistent. I appreciate it’s an organic, natural process and that there will be variation in the best approach from person to person. But when a new mum, fresh out of labour, tired and likely a smidge mental with hormones is being given conflicting advice every few hours it doesn’t make her life easy.

I was glad when Mrs L took the decision to drop breastfeeding. Cam is obviously one of the most important things in my life, but Mrs L is the other one. Watching her wince in pain as he tried to latch on, watching him work himself into a screaming frenzy, was horrible for me as well.

What’s better for all concerned, a breastfed but angry baby with a mum rendered fragile and unwell by the experience, or a bottle fed but happy baby with a mum better able to enjoy him?

Before anyone unleashes a torrent of fury in my direction via the comments box, please note that when breastfeeding works for all parties it is bloody great. I just don’t think it was right for us.

Thanks for reading.


23 comments:

  1. I am with Mrs L all the way. I stopped breastfeeding Gherkin after just 10 days. I was sore, grouchy, and utterly knackered. At the point where I threatened to throw baby out of the window, it was time to change to formula. I was greeted by hostility from my health visitor and I didn't appreciate being made to feel I was 'wrong'. I was not 'wrong' and it was right for me and my baby. It is an individual choice and that is what should be promoted and embraced. I was a much better mum with rest and Gherkin (touch wood) is a very healthy boy. Neither you nor Mrs L should feel the remotest guilt. (I am very passionate about this topic, as you can tell) :) I must also had that he was eating his first 'solids' (baby rice) at 9 weeks old. He was a very hungry baby. Now, THAT could be greeted with some hostility too. Only you can decide what is right for your family. Guidance his good, but hard and fast rules can never apply...IMHO (naturally ;))

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  2. I think you made the decision for the right reason and it works for you. I agree with you about consistency, however it can be very difficult as breast feeding is very personal

    Am glad everyone is doing well and is so happy!

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  4. I hope no-one decides to unleash anything akin to fury in response to this. I've found breastfeeding to be one of those parenting areas which seems to unleash the most unkind exchange of words at times. It is a very personal decision as to whether you do or don't. We shouldn't be judging each other but learning from one another; being a parent is hard enough. As long as the three of you are happy sod anyone that doesn't agree!

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  5. I totally agree, do what's right for you. A friend of mind lasted 48 hours and she was so disappointed with herself when telling me as I had breast fed for 7 months. I was like who am I to judge. Each person has to do what's right for them and their family no matter what that is. I don't understand why people go on about it and make others misrable for not doing the "best" thing when actually they ate doing the best thing for them.
    Don't feel guilty, there's more to worry about than milk!

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  6. Well, my wife and no problem breastfeeding and didn't need any help or support to make it happen. But I've heard these terrible stories where it doesn't go easily or well for other moms/babies, it sounds like you guys gave it your all and fought the good fight, but it's also smart to know when to call it quits and throw in the towel (or bottle, in this case). No hateful comments from me! I think you guys did right! Sorry the booby feeding didn't work.

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  7. I agree that there is conflicting advice re: technique. The midwife at the hospital showed me one way, a breastfeeding support worker another, a different breastfeeding support worker another ... well, you get my drift. I ended up using nipple shields which I am still using to this day because it eased the horrendous pain and I was too much of a wuss to wean myself off them. The issue is very personal and it makes me cross when people think they are being helpful, when they are actually being Judgy McJudgerson.

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  8. I breastfed my first for two years. He just took to it straight away and it worked perfectly for us both. I thought there could be no other way to feed. Then my little girl was born. Oh was that a different story. I was still breastfeeding the boy so I felt confident in feeding her. She latched fine but she just did not like it. She screamed constantly for 10 days. I gave her a bottle. Wham!! One happy settled baby. So I genuinely believe breastfeeding just dont work for some babies however hard Mummys try :-)

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  9. This is such a personal issue, no-one has the right to judge. With both of my children I had trouble producing enough breast milk for them. First time round my newborn daughter and I had to be readmitted to hospital because she wasn't gaining weight. Turned out my milk supply was very small and boy did that make me feel like a failure, like I had been starving my own baby. The doctors ordered me to start formula feeding but there was one midwife in particular who was horribly judgemental. Thankfully second time round I got more support. It sounds like you and your wife made the decision that was right for you and good on you both for doing that.

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  10. I've breastfed for 12 months, thankfully it hasn't been too much of a bumpy journey for me. I'm very passionate about breastfeeding but I also believe if after giving it your all, it's not working for you, then it's quite a sensible decision to stop! All the debate about breast vs. formula annoys me a bit, everyone is surely just doing their best regardless of how they feed their babies! Good luck to you both & hope your wife's nipples recover soon ha!

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  11. I recieved TERRIBLE advice by all of the hospital and midwife staff. I only had my mum who breastfed all 5 of us successfully. She did also warn me that after the first baby she was so terribly unhappy with her boobs and body. I was prepared for this and tried breastfeeding- for 3 whole days. Mrs L is a legend for keeping it up as long as she did. Rusty screamed with every feed and when he did latch on he got mouthfuls of blood. - The only advice i give to pregnant friends now when they ask is, to do whatever your instinct tells you. Rusty was fine on Formula and took to Whole Milk at 18mths without upset. He is smart for a 2 year old and well balanced... No harm done!

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  12. You've done the right thing, because the right thing is whatever keeps your baby and Mrs L happy and healthy.
    I breastfed my eldest for 6 months, had mastitis 3 times and hated every minute. I sighed with relief when I felt I was 'allowed' to stop. With my little un, I lasted 12 days and my doctor ordered me to stop before I needed surgery- one nipple was literally falling off! He's now 2 and I still have NO feeling in that nipple...
    Sometimes you've just got to go with formula- both my sons are happy and healthy. Good luck, and a sympathetic hug for your heroic Mrs. Xxx

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  13. You will have nothing but support from me for stopping, if you ever need to rant about people's perceptions or opinions then you know where to find me.

    I struggled through three weeks of hell because despite making enough milk to feed every baby in south Wales, my son was a lazy feeder and as soon as he latched on he fell asleep. Nothing anyone could do would get him to wake up! In the end he went t bottle feeding and never looked back, he also slept through from 10-6 every night at a week or two after that. Here's my little story about it: http://www.theboyandme.co.uk/2010/12/21/breast-v-formula-feeding/ Apologies for the spam in your comments.

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  14. You have to do what is right for you. I have three boys who were all fed differently. The first was breastfed for 4 months then was gradually changed on to formula as I could no longer express enough for while I was at work. The second had jaundice and lost a lot of weight so was bottle fed formula and expressed for 3 months then just formula. The little one is just formula fed as I just didn't have the energy to be the sole provider!
    The middle one had reflux and I was turned away from Childrens Centers as I didnt breastfeed so was not given any support at all. There are no support groups for bottle fed babies who can sometimes have just as many problems.
    Don't feel bad at all. There is way too much pressure on women over this and it's the last thing you need when you feel totally battered from exhaustion and euphoria. Big love and don't worry about it at all, you both did great! xxx

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  15. Having been through breast feeding with a second baby I can tell you it's been a totally different experience. We had exactly the same experience as you with Matilda, it was just horrible and we also shifted to formula for similar reasons.
    But with Henry it's been pretty easy, he latches well and feeds perfectly.
    Who knows if it was a lack of milk, the way Matilda fed or something else. But you have to do what makes all 3 of you happy and screw the judgements. Yes breast is great for a baby, but the mothers mental health is also important.

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  16. I know why midwifes really push breast feeding - because the moment you become pregnant you are bombarded by formula and bottle advertising. I thought I had to buy a pump (hardly used in a total of 20 months feeding 2 kids) and bottles before I gave birth. So they are trying to counteract all the bottle advertising. It does make people who would never consider breastfeeding think of it, but it also makes those who always wanted to breastfeed who then find it doesn't work for them feel guilty.
    Its the same for natural birthing. I really didn't want drugs, but it didn't stop me yelling for an epidural (which I didn't actually get - 1 gave birth 10 minutes later) but I feel guilt that I couldn't do it (or did but didn't think I could). To get more people to have a natural birth or breastfeed you end up making the people who would do it anyway wracked with guilt.

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  17. God i think you are amazing for writing this, for writing it for you and for your wife. on stupid bloody phone and my shrek fingers make typing impossible so will reply more tomo. excellent blog. excellent x han mamabearwithme

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  18. I knew I had to have W on a bottle from 7 weeks as I had to be away at a work conference. With this in mind I asked every midwife I met for advice on what stage would be best to introduce a bottle. They looked at me like I was Satan. I perevered for four weeks but it wasn't good for me or for W. Neither of us were any good at it on top of being so exhausted I would wake up in the middle of the night in a full blown anxiety attack and no recollection of ever having had a baby in the first few weeks. If we had just given him a bottle sooner it would have been better for all of us. You live and learn. Personally, I loved bottle feeding and so did W. And so did Mr B as he could feel more involved.

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  19. Brilliant post, there will be no unleashing of fury from this direction. As a Mum of two I completely agree that, if you've given it your all, and it's just not working, Mum and baby aren't happy there is no shame at all in stopping breastfeeding and no Mother should be made to feel guilty about that decision. I understand that the medical profession are really 'pushing' breastfeeding at the moment and I completely agree with what they are saying. I don't, however, agree with how Mum's are made to feel when they choose not to/can't breastfeed their little ones. As parents we're all trying to do the best by our children. I enjoyed you post :) x

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  20. Sounds like you have a lot of support from your readers! I breastfed for 8 months but was lucky enough that both baby and myself took to it naturally and we had no issues. I can't judge others as I know I had it easy. I strongly believe that there are more important things in life, and being happy and healthy enough to enjoy your little baby is definitely one of them. Sounds like you made the right decision! x

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  21. I'm a big breastfeeding advocate, but I agree that there ought to be a way to put the message across without giving people who can't manage it such a load of guilt to deal with. The barriers that really need to be dismantled are social ones - and hospital midwives who don't really know what they're talking about are definitely part of the problem. But it's so much easier to just chant "Breast is best" as if it was as simple as that, and blame individuals for not breastfeeding. I'm sorry it didn't work out for your family, but glad you're doing well anyway.

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  22. A great post about a thorny subject. I, for a variety of very complicated reasons not least a very sick premature baby, didn't breastfeed and have always been relatively at peace with that. I think breastfeeding is an amazing thing but likewise, think as long as you are feeding your baby then you're doing great, by breast, bottle, tube or mix feeding. As long as there is growth, intake of nutrition and all parties are content, then there are much larger things to worry about with baby development. Wonderful to read such a balanced view.

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  23. Great post, I also wrote something similar (although sadly I didn't have any support with my attempt but that's another story).

    http://www.veryboredincatalunya.com/2012/05/confession-i-formula-feed-my-baby.html

    We really need to stop beating mothers around the head with a milky tit. If breast feeding works for you—brilliant, if it doesn't, get out the bottle and get on with your life!

    Hope the missus' nips recover quickly. I'm led to believe Lansinoh is good, I have an unused tube if you want it!

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