Flat

Do you think there's any chance of planking, the internet phenomenon, becoming an Olympic sport over the next twelve years or so?

Probably not, I guess, which is a bit of a shame. Because I reckon Cam would have a good shot at bringing another gold to these fair isles. Why? Because The Creature is developing something of a physical trait which would be useful in such a pursuit.

Flat Head Syndrome, which makes me imagine people with delusions of being a screwdriver, is what it's called when the back of a baby's head is lacking in curvature. It happens because babies are still a bit squishy when they're born, then tend to spend quite a lot of time laying on their back.

The pressure of lying on the back of their heads leads to the cranium taking the shape of whatever they lie on. Usually, this will be a flat bed/floor/car seat.

It does make me wonder what would have happened if we'd made Cam sleep with his head on a jelly mould.

We knew about Flat Head Syndrome and wanted to guard against it if we could. We bought a "SleepCurve" mattress. It has a cut away section which should relieve the pressure on the back of the baby's head when he's lying down. Nice ruse Tomy. I don't know how much that mattress cost, but I bet it wasn't cheap, and it has done precisely bugger all in providing us with a round headed baby.

It's only a cosmetic thing, there's no evidence suggesting a flat head will cause a baby to have any additional health problems later in his life. Which is good, because it means I don't have to go and punch the inventor of the SleepCurve mattress in the kidney.

There's some concern that people with flat heads may be bullied as a result. I don't think Cam will need to worry about that, people seem to like our current Olympians. Many of them have bodies which are a little bit outside of the norm. Historically significant über-athletes such as Usain Bolt with his "too tall to be a sprinter" body, Michael "Winningest Olympian in History" Phelps with his out of proportion legs and torso, Jessica Ennis with her improbably amazing abs. Add Cam to that list.

If he's not selected to the Olympic Planking Team, or if (heaven forbid) planking isn't considered worthy of a place on the Olympic agenda, I'll teach him to deal with bullies some other way. I may buy him an old nuke to use as a deterrent. I don't know, I've not really thought it through.

Of course, it may be that given a bit of time (and less time on his back, he's pretty good at tummy time these days) the flat spot will gradually cease to be. I don't really mind either way, with a face as beautiful as his no-one will be paying too much attention to the back of his head.

Do you have a child with a flat head? Do YOU have a flat head? Tell me all about it. Or something else. My comment area is open.

Games

That thing with five interlocked rings is going on over in That London at the moment. You’ve probably noticed it. It’s on the telly a bit. People are talking about it. I’ve been quite swept up by it all. The people who are taking part are the very best people in the world at the things they do. Sometimes I realise that I’m watching an event with my jaw dropped.

Whether it’s the gymnasts doing their whirly-twirly-jumpy-swingy-thingies (composed landings optional, I’m looking at you Japan…), the swimmers scything their way through the water in a way which makes me wonder whether they’ve been crossbred with seals, cyclists breezing up Box Hill faster than I could ride down it or volleyball players jumping so high I think they may be about to leave Earth for good.

All these people have dedicated themselves to being the best. They’ve sacrificed time with their friends and families in pursuit of sporting achievement. They have the single mindedness, the purity of purpose, the mental and physical strength to compete for gold.

Most of them aren’t even raking in the cash as a result. Their rewards are likely to include arthritis, torn ligaments and muscles, possibly a lifetime of being a motivational speaker.

These are the examples of humanity I can hold up as potential role models for my son, along with all those intellectual greats and people who have overcome circumstances to succeed. Bloody good job too, as I’m far from being a poster boy for excellence of any sort.

This morning, I saw that spectators at the preliminary rounds of the ladies’ badminton had been treated to the sight of two of the best teams in the competition in a furious battle.

A furious battle to lose.

Amazing athletes with superlative shuttlecock skills repeatedly, deliberately knocking serves into the net. Placing shots outside of the court. Doing the exact opposite of what you’d expect from people whose primary goal for their time on this planet is to win badminton games.

Tanking a game in order to get a favourable match in the next round is tactically sound, of course. But man is it disappointing to see it happen.

To be the best you have to beat the best, whether it is in the early rounds or the finals. Tanking a game like these competitors did doesn’t show the world how awesome top level sport can be. It makes me want to not watch any more badminton, in case it happens again. It makes me think that I can't hold these people up as fighters, winners, or anything like that. All I can say is they're experts at recognising the path of least resistance. To be honest, I was hoping that would be the thing I could teach my son myself.

At least when Team GB loses at something it isn’t because we’re trying to…

Olympic

London, a hot summer day. Hoards of people, raucous and excited. Shouting, cheering, running. Lots and lots of athletic clothing. A feeling of a community pulling together in a shared experience. Some spectacular prizes for the most successful participants. A televised spectacle watched by millions.

Yes, the riots last summer were pretty awesome. But enough about them.

This year, the world's top athletes will converge on the British capital and do some sport stuff. I'm quite looking forward to it. 

There is, of course, a meme about it, and that well known tagger of people in memes @Motherventing has tagged me to take part. She also called me irresistably manly, which is weird, because we've met so she knows that's not true.

The meme has questions on an Olympic theme, here they are, along with my answers:

If everyday tasks were Olympic events, what would you get gold medal in?

I don't know that it's a task as such, but Mrs L reckons I am very good at making crumbs. So, that. I'm also pretty shit-hot at buggy pushing these days.

As a child (or even now) did you excel at a particular sport and if so, which one? 

I used to be reasonably handy at triple jumping. Until I went and competed at a regional athletics meet and found out that I was actually completely rubbish at it. I pretty much gave up on being good at anything there and then.

Michael Phelps (a swimmer) or Michael Johnson (a runner): which sport appeals to you more? 

I hate swimming. I can't co-ordinate my arms and legs into anything resembling a stroke, and my brain won't let me breathe out while my face is underwater. So I sort of look like I'm drowning most of the time.

I don't like watching people being good at swimming, because it just serves to remind me how bad I am at it.

I don't like running. But I have had to run to catch buses on occasion. So I can identify with it a bit more. 

How fast can you get out of bed and ready to go out of the door if you miss the alarm and sleep in? 

Faster than Usain Bolt. Seriously. But I never need to, thank goodness for flexitime.

What fantasy sport would you like to see made into an Olympic event?

Fantasy sport? Like competitive threesomes or something? Is that what you mean? I'm not sure, I'll have to read 50 Shades of Grey and get back to you. I can see there being issues with televising it.

Claim to fame time: have you ever met an Olympian and who was it? 

Yes. Three actually. Two whose names I can't remember, possibly one of them was Roger Black, and one called Oli Beckingsale who does mountain biking and comes from the same town as me.

What event in past Olympics can you remember most vividly?

During the 1988 Olympics my infant school had us all keeping tabs on the Olympics in Seoul. I drew a picture of Ben Johnson winning the 100m sprint in record breaking fashion. I actually found it really exciting at the time and briefly wanted to be a sprinter. Ben Johnson SMASHED MY DREAMS by using drugs. Prick. Also, it meant my teacher defacing my picture with red pen: "BEN JOHNSON LATER HAD HIS MEDAL TAKEN AWAY FOR USING DRUGS"

Tuning in at home, or tickets clamped ready in sweaty palms?

I'll be at work, so neither. I expect I'll watch the basketball if I can find it on iPlayer.

Who do you think most deserves a gold medal (any walk of life, not just Olympians)? 

Oh I dunno. There's a lot of people out there putting up with a lot of shit all day every day. Would a gold medal make any difference to them? Probably not.

I'm going to be all non-committal and say everyone deserves one. Which is the same as saying no-one does.

There we go then. Sorry if it's horribly evident that I've written this with a bit of a hangover and while my baby is screaming his face off six feet away. By way of an apology (and in tribute to MoVo) I'm not going to tag anyone else to take part.

But, y'know, if you WANT to, just go ahead and do it, I'm sure no-one will be around to tell you off.