Right then banks, I'm not going to sugar coat this or pander to your enormous "too big to fail" egos. I am bored of you.
I am bored of every aspect of banking.
I am bored of going to banks to pay money in. Not that I can, because you're never fucking open anyway.
I am bored of finding out that your traders, or setters, or Chief Executives, or Chairmen, or whoever, have been doing dodgy things. Dodgy things which may not be illegal, but really aren't okay.
I am bored of you being all powerful and having the ability to ruin the ambition of small business people by deciding not to lend to them. Almost three quarters of the loans you make are to other financial institutions, or businesses which are closely affiliated with them. Only 2.5% of your loans are made to the manufacturing industry.
I am bored of no-one but bankers being able to understand the complexities of banking, when really it should be nice, simple and transparent. When even the body put in place to regulate you (albeit in a softly softly don't upset the important bankers way) quite often gets accused of not knowing what is going on behind the doors of those impressive offices I think there is a problem.
I am bored of hearing about massive bonuses. Yes. Because I'm jealous. I want that money. Or some of it. I wouldn't mind so much, but some of you are still paying those bonuses despite your banks being demonstrably RUBBISH.
*Disclaimer: I have some shares in Lloyds Banking Group, from when I worked for one of its subsidiary companies. They are worth pennies. They would probably have greater value if I asked for an individual share certificate for each one and used it as novelty toilet paper for a week or two.
I am bored of how awkward you make it for me and my wife to do business with you. Want to get a mortgage? Fine Mrs L, no problem, you'll just have to prove to us how you got that money you're using as a deposit. Oh, you saved it did you? That doesn't sound very likely, people don't SAVE money, they SPEND it.
I am bored of you being too big to fail, and indispensable. If I want to choose to remove banking from my life, I want that to be an option, but it's not.
I am bored of the thought that creeps into my head every so often: banks might actually ruin the world. Ruin the economy. Ruin the future. The future which I want to be nice and shiny and full of lovely things, so that The Creature can have a nice life.
I want banks to be boring because banks ARE boring. Because they are institutions which exist to look after our money for a bit until we need it. Is it because that's such a boring reason to exist that banks now have to get their kicks by being utterly ridiculous, greedy and borderline antisocial? In fact, I give banking an ASBO.
I don't want banks to be boring because they are in fact interesting. I don't want them to be on the news every day, being barely contrite about some new mis-selling scandal or other arseholery. I want them to be quiet and look after my money.
*turns off news forever*
*goes to scope out caves to live in*
Sorry about all that. I spent a really long time on hold to HSBC today.